The Tale of Jacques Brother: A Study of a Mutant Gamer

First off, if you haven’t read Trask’s Post about the infamous Jacques Cousteau, please read that first (Click HERE ).

So fast forwarding a year from Trask’s tale; it was the summer of 2004. Trask, and myself were about to play a Legacy of the Green Regent module titled “Humility”. It was an ironic title to say the least. Well we were in a local game shop awaiting the start of the adventure when Trask points out the infamous Jacques Cousteau (who was playing on the computer systems at the store). It is there that Trask tells me the tale of Jacques Cousteau (what he mentioned in his previous post), and we had a good laugh. Well Jacques is there with someone, someone younger, which has similar enough features that they had to be related. This was the brother of Jacques. Now this guy was not given a unique name like Jacques Cousteau, we just called him Jacques’ brother. Well low and behold, Jacques’ brother is playing in the same adventure we are!

So this adventure starts and Jacques’ brother is proving to be a gamer of extreme mutanticity, much like Jacques himself. His gamer funk wasn’t so much a problem, but his math skills were. His d8+7 damage caused him considerable difficulty. He would often display the look of a genius contemplating quantum physics.

He rolls his d8…
It’s a 6
The sound of his brain hurting…
Jacques’ brother counting on his fingers…

“13” he states, and we all breathe a sign of relief that he got it right this time.

Fast forwarding through the adventure, (we got to the point where we were telling Jacques’ brother what his addition totals were) we arrived at the Fortress of the Eternal Despot. This Fortress, which is a glorified Temple of Bane was the climax to our adventure. Attacking our way through the temple to our goal, we arrive at the “Heart of Bane”. Here is the description, straight from the adventure:

A large cylindrical room, bathed in an eerie green radiance, descends beyond the doorway. The walls are pocked with tiny enclosures, each holding a black crystal, the likes of which you have never seen before. Stretching forth from the entrance is a walkway composed entirely of bone. It meets with two similar walkways in the center of the chamber. Farther below, about thirty feet down, is a similar set of walkways, and even further below that is the floor of the chamber. The chamber appears to be approximately 100 feet tall from floor to ceiling.

A deep and strangely serene voice echoes throughout the chamber,
“Welcome to the Heart of Bane. You’ve gone to great lengths to get here. Might I ask why you’ve come?” It’s difficult to make out the source of the voice, though you don’t see anyone standing on the walkways on this level of the chamber.

The serene voice continues, “I see, that you are an entire party. Have you come from Loudwater to rescue your spy? If that is the case, you should turn back now for death surely awaits if you continue along this path.” With that, you see a bald muscular human whose head is tattooed with the now familiar holy symbol of Bane. He steps out from under the lower platform about sixty feet below, and looking up, claps his hands together loudly.

From here the skeletal walkway comes to life and three Barghests come onto the scene.

Jacques’ brother, in the heat of the battle, wants to go after the bad guy. He grabs rope, and ties it around himself in the first turn. Now this undead walkway is gyrating and causing us to make balance checks, so we think this is a great idea. Way to go Jacques’ brother! Your family tree has bloomed! Then in grand Jacques Cousteau fashion, he ties the other end of the rope to the bridge and jumps to the bridge below.

“How long is the rope,” asks the DM.
“50 foot,” replies Jacques’ brother after searching through his character sheet.
“The next bridge is only 30 feet down,” replies the DM.

Needless to say that Jacques’ brother ended up taking 30 feet of falling damage and was dropped prone in front of 3 Barghests and the main bad guy. It is then we realize that gamer stupidity is genetic.

At least the Barghests’ didn’t feed on him, and unlike Jacques, Jacques’ brother got his dead carcass retrieved for his later use.



Trask is a long-time gamer, world traveler and history buff. He hopes that his scribblings will both inform and advance gaming as a hobby.